Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
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