I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
