Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
