Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize