my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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