just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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