seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
