the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
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