I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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