Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
