what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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