She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
