who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
