My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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