You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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