There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
