I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Randomize
