Who wears a wallet chain?!
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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