From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
