I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
