I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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