So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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