I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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