Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
