Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
