Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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