This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
