I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Randomize
