I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Randomize
