so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
