My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
