I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Randomize
