I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
