How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
