This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
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