I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
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