I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
