I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
