he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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