I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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