Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Randomize
