There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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