when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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