i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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