Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
