I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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