theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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