I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
