god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
