It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Randomize
