two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Fuck appropriateness.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
