She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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