We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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