I wish my penis had an off switch
No awkward lesbian experiences without me
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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