only you would photoshop your dick
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
