I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
