And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
