Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
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